tonight i went to food lion to get some stuff with chris. i decided i needed a loaf of bread. then some stuffing. and some mix for a casserole. and some marshmallows. and some gravy. we were only there about ten minutes. carrying around these groceries hurt my arms. when i got home, i was out of breath from carrying them. they felt like they weighed a good 40 lbs combined. for curiosity's sake, i put them on the scale. 6.6 lbs total that bag weighed. i am still in pain from it, and that was about four hours ago.

i am not happy.

thursday the state of south carolina welcomed me by summoning me to <b>criminal</b> court for out of state tags on my mom's car. that's right. i had to go sit amongst lancasters finest and then go in front of a judge. i was threated with jail time and huge penalties because i did not register my mom's vehicle.

i do not care for this state.

i don't remember exactly what the stages of grief are.  but right now i'm in the feeling-sorry-for-myself-mad-at-the-world-because-they-don't-understand stage.  it's not so great.

i'm pretty sure i used to be a person.  unfortunately it's been so long, i don't remember what it was like.

i am not an angry person.  with that in mind, here is a list of things that have pissed me off more than they should have in the past few days.

the pot of meat that's been in the fridge for at least a month.  lack of a trash bag in the office trash can at work.  being told 'it's not my fault you slept all day' on my day off.  the lady who looked like i stole something from her when i tore the merchant copy off of the bottom of her receipt for cigarettes.  someone calling my store to find out what store 126 is, knowing it's not my store and acting like i had the answer for her.  telling someone i couldn't clean the bathroom because of the cleaners and then having them clean the front registers with the damn bathroom cleaner so i couldn't breathe while i watched the front.  getting a text message saying we should go to the beach this weekend from someone i haven't heard from in nearly three weeks.  smoochie dancing on the picture that i asked chris to put up about a week ago.  finding the window in chris' room open after i have told him a million times to shut the damn thing so our power bill won't be so high. 

i believe that is enough for now.  but i assure you that wasn't all.

until recently i had one good friend who i could hang out with and talk to about most anything.  or so i thought.  i guess the things we could talk about and be supportive about weren't really serious problems.  because as soon as i've come down with this chronic illness shit, she has dropped from my life completely.

i understand people are busy.  really, i do.  but i pretty much believe that you have about as much time for the people you care about as you are willing to make.  if you are "too busy" to send me a message or call me to see how i am doing, then you are too fucking busy.  but really, are you that busy in the first place?  or do you just not care?

today is what, august 31st?  she last spoke to me on august 11th, and that is because i flat out sent her a text that said 'you and i both know you aren't too busy, so just stop pretending to be.'  and ever since then, i haven't tried to speak to her, and she hasn't tried to speak to me.  i'm sure she hasn't even noticed that we haven't spoke.  and you know what, i don't care. 

perhaps it's because i can't drink anymore.  or because i'm a little down because i can't freaking do anything.  i'm really sorry to be such a burden, but do you think i want to feel like this?  yes, she told me i was just being mopey and depressed, and i told her no i wasn't, that something was really wrong.  and she ignored me then too.  and she really hopes my medication works.  and damn chris if he isn't taking care of me.  but damn you for not giving a damn about someone who has always dropped everything whenever you needed it. 

she is the definition of why i don't let people get close to me.  because at the end of the day, they really just don't care either way.

i wasn't aware that because it's your birthday you get to act like a total douchebag. 

yesterday i probably changed my clothes at least 25 times before i went to meet him to take him out to lunch.  i wanted to look perfect for him.  we went out to eat, came back home, he tried to come on to me while i was burning up and not feeling well from what i had eaten, and i said i couldn't do it then.  so he went to bed at freaking 5:30pm and then sent me rude text messages later that night about how i had ruined his birthday because we didn't have sex. 

what the fuck?  i mean really, what the fuck?!

for one thing, i don't fuck on command.  and i would've gladly done that later int he evening, if he hadn't decided to be a pouty baby and go to bed at 5:30.  he kissed me on my cheek this morning when he got up and said "thanks for ruining my birthday, i can't get that one back." 

i just cannot even comment on this anymore.

smoochie is a sweet loving dog.  she helped me through some hard times in my life. 

with that being said, she is aggrevating the shit out of me.  seriously, if i could beat her, i would.  but it wouldn't do a damn bit of good.  she'd just stare up at me with her sad, starving child eyes, as if to say 'but carrie, i just want you to love me, what is wrong?'

she is the most stubborn being i have ever met.  seriously.  you have no idea.  i couldn't even explain just how much she irritates me.  i have one simple request from her: to go to the bathroom in our back yard.  but no, she cannot do that.  she will not do that.  if you drag her into the grass, she looks up like you are about to shoot her in the face.  she is a yard dog!  she loves everything about being outside, but she won't step in wet grass.  and she doesn't like to pee in the yard. 

i do not know what to do with her.  if stella wasn't such a good dog, i think smoochie would get beaten on a daily basis.  stella runs out, does her business, and then plays with bugs.  smoochie just refuses to do anything but lay on the sidewalk.  and if it's bright out, she'll stretch her legs out and get some sun.

ahhh!!!

i'm turning 30 in less than a month.  30 years have gone by, and i still cannot express my emotions.  i just like to stuff them away until i can't.  and that seems to aggrevate people.  well so what?  i can't help it.  do i want to make these people mad?  well no, that's why i hide my emotions in the first place.

i bought a house.  i mean, that's a damn miracle.  i work at cvs, making a little over $10 an hour, and i bought a house.  not just a house.  but THE house i wanted.  that's insanity.  but yet, i don't really feel happy.  because of course now i have to worry that i will lose my house.  because i only can afford it with chris, and what if he doesn't want me forever?  because he won't ever say that he does.  but he should.  because i want him forever.  shouldn't he feel like he has to have me?  shouldn't he?  because i feel that way.  so why doesn't he?  but he wouldn't have gone along with this deal if he wasn't pretty secure in us.  but it just scares me.  it's a lot riding on a relationship that doesn't really have any real commitment to it.

we bicker over stupid little things, but i love that boy to pieces.  and i would be broken if he left.  i hope he never does. 

so i'm going to walmart in a minute to get a money order for my divorce.  weird. 

stella is getting on my nerves.  i took tiffany's cat in yesterday, because he had no where to go.  and she won't leave him alone.  i think if she'd just calm her ass down they might be able to coexist.  but no, she has to flip a shit whenever she sees him.  and i'm trying to be patient because i know she's been the only one and she's a jealous little puppy who doesn't understand why her "new toy" doesn't want to play with her, but i am tired and irritable, and i just wish she'd calm it down a notch.  or two.

they are actually doing really well together, considering they haven't ever really been around a cat or a dog.  but i don't want to have to get rid of him, because he really has no where else to go.  so i think we should all make some effort here (that's you stella!).

chris really did not want jack at all, but he loves me, so he let me.  should i do things just because he'll let me?  but jack is really sweet and needed a home, and chris wanted a kitten, and yes, jack is grown, but it's so hard to find a cat a home these days.  and he's colby's brother.  awww.  we have to make room for him.

apparently it's been four weeks since i've updated.  i haven't had anything great to talk about.

yesterday i didn't want to get out of bed because i was convinced that everyone hated me.  which apparently was something i made up in my head.  i'm sick because i'm allergic to dove soap and i didn't even use it.  it's just been in the bathroom, and chris has used it, and i'm so sick you wouldn't believe it.  and i know that's dumb, but it's the story of my life.

i guess it was a week ago that my daddy told me i had to get rid of smoochie and told me how dumb i was for getting her.  while i was at work.  then i had an "irrational" reaction to that, and cried and cried, and he keeps asking me if i've been taking my medication.  what ever.  i'm not crazy.  i just love smoochie and don't want to get rid of her. 

i'm not feeling great.  on top of the allergy, i think i have a virus.  fun fun.

 am i the dumbest piece of shit ever?  everything always seems to bite me in the ass.

one of my customers seemed decent enough, and tiffany has been having a hard time with her break up, so i thought i'd set them up.  he came over last night and hung out, along with like, six other guys, which was weird.  it was tiffy, me, chris, jesse, kyle, brett, justin, dave, and ron.  i think that's all.  just me and her girls.  anyways, kyle really likes tiffy, and maybe she likes him, but he's weird, and i don't care for him.  he's not a good choice.  not after adam.  so customer is here, and i thought things were okay and clearly they hated kyle and whatever, but what the fuck?  i think he's hitting on me.

i have a boyfriend.  i will not get myself into trouble.  not when i have no interest in him.  i mean, he's cool.  he's a really nice guy.  but i have a really nice guy.  and i want to keep him.  i have learned that it's just not worth it!  and even if i did think it was worth it, i don't really like this guy or anything, he's just a decent guy.  heehee,  he offered to make me a pizza with pickles.  oh, i should mention he works at dominos.  

he brought his friend from dominos over last night, and the guy was shitfaced drunk when he got here, and took at least 8 shots of my liqour.  i made the deal that he could have shots, as long as he wasn't driving.  but of course the fuckface drove home.  and i was really freaking pissed off.  don't lie to me.  i mean, if you want to kill yourself, knock yourself out, but don't let me aide you in any way.  no thanks.

what the crap?  i'm always starting trouble for myself.  :(

so tiki is gone now.  and it's weird.  i think i am taking this harder than when i found out boogie had to be put to sleep two weeks ago.  because i have to see chris suffer so.  i don't think he ever had to put an animal to sleep before.  and while it's not something i enjoy doing, i have come to terms with the fact that sometimes it's the best thing you can do for your pet.

when we took her, she only weighed 35 lbs.  she was huge, so that just proves how skinny she was.  and the vet said that the lump on her neck was pressing on her windpipe making it hard for her to breathe.  and he pressed down on it, and she stopped breathing completely for a few seconds and it was freaky.  

he asked if we wanted to stay with her, and we said yes, but then chris said i could go out in the waiting room.  i had already decided if he couldn't stay, i would stay with her so she wouldn't be alone.  but he said i could go out there, so i asked him if he wanted me to leave, and he said yes.  patrick said it was probably because he didn't want me to see him cry.  which may be true.  but she was also his dog, and not mine.  so i thought maybe he wanted to be alone with her for that reason.

in other really sucky news, chris' friend at the coast called him last night and told him his friend had died.  he died from an overdose, which they think was probably suicide.  when it rains, it pours, huh?  :(

 today is not a day i have been looking forward to.  we are taking tiki to the vet when i get off work.  probably to say goodbye to her.  i was supposed to close tonight, but i told chris if he is ready to take her because she is suffering, we should do it sooner than later.  because that is the whole point.

i'm not sure he's really ready for this.  i wonder if he's just doing it because i yelled at him the other day.  but it needs to be done.  everytime i think she's going to die, she just keeps going and going, but she's not getting any better.

i hate to watch her suffer like this.  i also hate to be attacked by dogs.  which has never happened to me except by tiki.  oh, and she keeps shitting on the floor right by the dinner table.  i don't really care for that either.  i can only hope he understands that this is really for tiki's own good.  and not just because i'm a mean bitch.

i don't know what i'm confused about today.  but something for sure.  maybe it's just lack of sleep for a really long time.  

chris' dog bit me again.  three times this time!  she really was trying to hurt me badly today.  and i can't blame her.  she is dying and suffering, and she thought i was hurting her, which i probably was.  but i was trying to help her.  

i just don't know why i'm so upset about it.  this is the third time she's bitten me.  she'll probably do it again tomorrow.  but i just want her to be at peace, but no one will take her to the vet.  i don't kill animals for fun or anything, but she needs help.  and she's not going to get any better.  i know he loves her, but he has to let her go.  the sooner the better. 

 before i went to work today i asked chris about rearranging our furniture in the living room.  it was pretty much the only way it'd fit before.  i told him the only way it would look different is if we got rid of the coffee table.  he said he liked that coffee table, and where would we put our stuff?  so i told him we'd have to have end tables, but he should think about it.

i came home, the coffee table was gone.  we had two black end tables with glass tops and it was exactly as i had pictured it.  he hadn't said anything about it.  how sweet is that?  i love him sooooooooooooo!

i 'm up early.  going to lunch with my parents and my brother and sister-in-law.  then i have to go in to cvs to work 9 hours.  i'm not sure why it's a 9 hour day, but whatever.  hopefully i won't be too exhausted to work!

chris doesn't want to go to lunch.  he gave me at least two excuses.  first he was too tired, and then he wasn't hungry, but could i get him a to-go order anyway.  i told him he never goes out with my parents, and they always invite him, and it's rude, and he said if he was hungry he'd go, but i responded with "no you wouldn't, don't lie."  i don't get it.  i've been to dinner/breakfast/lunch wth his father and step mother more than he has mine, and his lives hours and hours away!  what's up with that?

whatever.  it's my seventeenth monthiversary today.  next month is a year and a half.  chris will be in atlantic city for that one.  oh well.  i hope they don't make me late for work.  i'm gonna be so mad.

 okay, i'm tired of typing in mrsgack.  so i signed up for a new journal.